Nicole Bozeman | My Story
A series of tragedies threatened to take me down.
In a moment, the morning of March 28 2014, I went from the title of wife to widow. My entire world was turned upside down in a matter of seconds. As my family and I worked to clear the fog engulfing us, only three months later, my father also passed away.
At the same time I found myself becoming disposable, no longer of value, to those whom I served in ministry.
Oh, yeah I was “one of those”….a church going, church serving, collar wearing church goer. I was very active in the ministry I attended. Like everything else in life, when death comes knocking it’s not just for those who have died a physical death, death also comes for the pretend, mask wearing version of you that exists now.
I was ordained and called a Five Fold Teacher, Chief Adjutant, a Department Head overseeing four major ministry departments, a spiritual daughter. Then in a blink of an eye, I went from all these great titles and more, commitments and responsibilities to now being called widow, fatherless, outcast, no longer valuable to the church. One minute I was “that one” who had access to and the ear of everyone. And the next moment, I became the invisible and disposable one. My entire identity was wrapped up in who others said I was. I knew nothing else and yet when my titles changed so did my value, my self-worth and my purpose, but more importantly my identity was gone.
Within 90 days, I went from being a wife, a daddy’s girl and a Five Fold Leader in ministry to becoming a widow, a single mother, fatherless and without the support of my church I had been a leader in.
So, there I was trying to figure out what the heck am I going to do. How would I survive and take care of my household? Who would I talk to, laugh with, take road trips with, make love to? Whose shoulders am I going to cry on? My entire existence was that of wife, daughter, leader, overseer, organizer, first assistant, adjutant and educator. I knew nothing else. I lived and breathed work, home and church.
To most people we were considered as “that couple” who was held in high esteem by the Bishop and his wife. They trusted our gifts, skills and talents. They looked to us to assist in carrying out their vision. We were the ones who were invited to cookouts and family gatherings. I had the type of access that most people longed to have. Yet, I found myself no longer being valuable to them, as they pushed me out after serving over a decade along side them.
My husband passed on March 28, the funeral was April 5 and literally by the end of June, the one whom I served as her personal assistant, chief adjutant, confidant, co-laborer in the gospel just stopped speaking to me. I was her executive administrator, more than that this was my support system and I thought my family. She shut me out completely and I felt the foundation beneath me, that I was holding onto for dear life, collapse.
My entire identity was wrapped up in the titles, labels and responsibilities I held. Little by little, the person who I thought I was, who I thought I was supposed to be was slowly dying and I didn’t know why or what I could do to stop it. All I thought about was, “how will I make it without church? Who was I outside of church?”
There I was. dazed, lost, hurting, alone, confused, feeling betrayed, unworthy and disposable. I had no identity! And what I thought was my “purpose” had now become my prison.
Do YOU know who this woman named Nicole is?
I was very familiar with the titles of elder, Rev, teacher, overseer, prophet, leader, mom, sister, wife….because it was through these labels and titles that I lived, produced and manifested. My identity was created and my purpose labeled.
I was doing and creating, quite successfully, according to who OTHERS said I was or needed to be but never according to who God divinely created me to be. I was doing all these things and yet when death came it revealed the truth of my reality and I realized that underneath the labels, I couldn’t answer the question: “WHO AM I?”
I discovered I needed to heal my heart, transform my mind and rediscover my true identity. My true purpose. I needed to find ME! So for the next year and a half I gave myself permission to embark on a journey of self-discovery to cleanse my soul and discover the real me.
As I began my cleansing, it felt as though I might go insane. I hid away, cried every day, my heart was so hurt. I felt so alone, lost, discouraged, unwanted, betrayed, unworthy. My pain became my prison and I didn’t know how to break free from it. Heck, I didn’t know if I even wanted to be free. The pain felt comfortable, familiar. It was who I was and who I had been for so long. That pain was my security (like Linus with his blanket) and yet every time I closed my eyes I could hear a cry in the depths of my soul. This soul cry became louder and louder as the days passed by and I could no longer silence it or ignore it.
One day, as tears were streaming down my face, I looked at my image in the mirror and asked the questions: “What am I doing? Who am I?” Within the depths of my soul I heard,
“YOU ARE CRYSTALS, DIAMONDS AND PEARLS. You are Priceless! Precious! Valuable! Loved! And your voice needs to be heard and your story told.”
It was at that moment I said hello to me; to the Nicole who was divinely created and who existed BEFORE existing, even before I was in my mother’s womb.
Through my cleansing journey my mind was renewed, heart healed, soul cleansed and my spirit set free from the pain of past relationships, situations and circumstances. I learned to give my authentic self and true souls purpose permission to manifest. I said YES to living an abundant life. To living, laughing and loving again.
My journey continues and my story is ever evolving. I returned to my divine feminine and met the authentic, divinely created real me. I found ME and now I want to help you do the same. That’s why I created this space.
Crystals, Diamonds and Pearls is YOUR place of healing and rediscovery. Where compassion, love, light and joy will saturate and penetrate your soul as YOU take YOUR journey to self-love, self-forgiveness and self-healing.
With gentle guidance,I will show you how to release negative energies, people and thoughts. How to give your authentic self, the divinely created you, permission to manifest. You are precious, priceless, valuable and worthy of manifesting in your authentic truth and soul’s purpose.
